Home » writing » In The Pub. Why White Men Can’t Jump.

In The Pub. Why White Men Can’t Jump.

I know I have posted this piece before but it still makes me laugh…and I wrote it! I wonder what that says about me? Shrug…Anyhow…

Here’s Bert and Alf…

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 Why White Men Can’t Jump.

“I had an odd dream last night,” said Alf.

”Really?” Bert asked.

‘Yeah. I dreamt I woke up and found I was black,’ Alf said.

“Y’mean like a coal miner?” Bert asked.

“Don’t be daft. I mean Black,” Alf relied.

“Ah, with the capital,” Bert nodded. “What was it like?”

“It were cool.”

“You mean you were wearing a short-sleeved shirt or something?”

“No, not cool. Cooool,” Alf drawled.

“Did you have the hair?” Bert enquired.

“Course! And I got to say, Yo!”

“Yo? What’s that then?” Bert asked.

“Dunno. But all those Black blokes say it. You know? It’s Yo this and Yo that. You’ve ‘eard ‘em on the telly, right?”

“Like Wesley Snipes, you mean?”

“That’s the feller,” Alf acknowledged.

There was a significant pause as each man took a thoughtful sup of their beer.

“I wonder what it means?” Bert asked.

“What? Alf asked.


“Dunno,” Alf replied. ”But I said it a lot in my dream.”

“You’d think the string would come off, wouldn’t you?” Bert ventured

“Probably why they all play basketball, I suppose,” Alf opined.

“Sidney Poitier didn’t,” Bert said.

“Well, obviously, he was an actor and . . .”

“Neither that French footballer, Thierry Henry,” Bert added.

“Yeah, him too I guess,” Alf conceded.

“Never could stand basketball. Stupid bloody sport,” Bert said.

“Wonder why you don’t get many white blokes playing then?’ Alf asked.

‘Ah, because white men can’t jump, that’s why,” said Bert, international sports fundi.

“But you do get a few of them. I’ve seen ‘em on the telly. They ain’t much good either,” Alf said.

“You know what you call a white basketball player?” Bert asked, with a smirk.

“No, what?”

“A Yo-Yo!”

“Sod off, Bert. It’s your round.”

The Ark

copyright©DSP 2012

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